Quiet Chaos

It’s been over a year since my last blog post.

I strayed away from one of the things that feeds my soul, WRITING.
So now, I’m going to try and get back into it.

About a year ago as I pondered how I would describe my mental illness to others, I wrote something I called “Quiet Chaos”.  Mental illness is unlike any other disease. You really can’t see it and there’s no way to describe it to someone. Dealing with it is not as simple as doing something fun, or changing your mindset. While you can manage it with medication, even that isn’t 100% all of the time.

In light of the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and the difficulty people have in understanding mental illness, I thought I’d share this with the world. It is my hope that it will help others understand mental illness better and give hope to those who struggle with this horrible disease every day.

By: Chris Tellez

My mind is filled with hopes.

My mind is filled with dreams.

My mind is filled with nightmares.

My mind is filled with confusion.

My mind is a battlefield of thoughts and feelings in a chaotic struggle between pain, happiness, logic and illogic.

At times the battle rages. The negative thoughts that tell me I am nothing are like cannon balls through my soul. The stress is like gun fire that startles and discomforts me.

The ground is littered with the bodies of my mistakes and regrets.

The sound of fighting on the horizon is what my mind perceives as the potential stress, anger and sadness that could be upon me any day.

Then there are the times when the battlefield goes silent, a peaceful silence where both everything and nothing exists.

That is the time where He speaks to me. That is the time where He and I connect.

The holes in my soul are gently bandaged by His words. I am no longer incomplete. My body, my soul is made whole by Him.

The sounds of the nature He created calms me. The gentle roar of the ocean reminds me how powerful He is. The breeze blows away the stress and reminds me that the bad times will pass.

The sweet sounds of the birds reminds me that if He ensures that they are taken care of, that I will be too, for I am worth so much more to Him.

The ground begins to sprout bright green grass and beautiful flowers. The bodies fade away as the sun breaks through the clouds. The warmth of the sunlight energizes me. My mistakes and past regrets no longer weigh me down or cast a shadow on me. They have been replaced with a reminder that a brighter future lays ahead. That the day and I am made new because He loves me.

He then appears next to me and says “Take my hand. Follow me”. I look to the horizon and see more darkness and nightmares. I see pain, stress and chaos.

I hesitate and pull back.

He embraces me in His arms.

He whispers “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for you to prosper. Plans to give you hope and a future”.

He then takes my hand again and says “I promise I will never let go, even if you try to pull away. I promise I will always take care of you, I will be your light in the darkness. All you have to do is follow me”.

I take a step forward.

He takes another one.

I take another one.

He puts His arm on my shoulders. He tells me “I love you”, and together we walk into the quiet chaos.



Depression…You Are Not Alone In This. You Are LOVED. You Are WANTED.

This last Saturday morning I was going through my computer cleaning up files.

What started with cleaning up unneeded music and videos led to me finding stuff that I had written up during what had been the darkest period of my life.

As I read it I felt like I was looking at someone else. I recognized them as things I had written but I couldn’t identify with the person who wrote them, or the sentiments behind them. My intention when I wrote them was either going to be something for me to look back at and see how far I had come, or it was going to be something that would explain to others where my head had been. Because depression is something that neither the person going through it or the people around them truly understand.

Yesterday the amazing Robin Williams took his life. An amazing man who made the world laugh lost his battle with depression. Today we wake up with the world being a little less funny, trying to make sense out of why someone so rich, famous and funny could be so depressed. With that in mind, and in the hopes of saving other lives I thought it was important to finally come forward with my story & my struggle.

Because as I went through those files some of them included suicidal plans and a portion of what would have been a suicide note.

To some of my family and friends this may come as a shock, but I share this because I want to help those who are battling depression and those around them that may not understand it.

I share it because I am a living example of someone who fought the hard fight and won. I want those who are dealing with it to know that there is an end to the darkness. There is a way to get out of that hole, to get out of the spiral of bad thoughts and feelings.

You too can get to the point where you’ll look back at what happened and see the victory you had, and feel as amazing as I did recognizing how far I’d come and then like me deleting those notes and plans because they’ll be something you will NEVER NEED.

I share it because it because it’s time we started talking about depression. From accepting that it’s a very real condition to helping those around us who suffer from it.

For those that are suffering from it….
My first recommendation is to GET HELP. There are so many amazing therapists out there to talk to who can help you work through all the feelings in your head, especially the ones you don’t understand. If you don’t like your first therapist, get a different one. Keep switching until you find one that gets you and you feel like you can open up to them. Once I found my therapist I saw him for a number of years. Even once I had battled the depression I still talked to him. It was great to have someone like that to get out everything with.

Find and take medication that works for you. YOU ARE NOT WEAK for taking medication. If anything it takes a ton of strength to accept that your body needs help. It’s no different than when you have a cold. Your body is not working right, and that’s OK. I found some great medication and it helped calm the thoughts and kept me thinking straight. It may be something you have to take for a short period of time. It may be something you have to take for a long time. There’s some amazing medication that can help you. Be open and honest with your doctor/therapist/psychologist about how it’s working/not working for you. Whatever you do, DON’T STOP IT COLD TURKEY! If you feel like you’re ready to phase it out work with your doctor/therapist/psychologist on how to do that.

TALK OUT YOUR FEELINGS. Talk to your family, talk to friends, talk to your therapist, talk to a Church leader, talk to a support group. Let them know you need help making sense out of things. That you need to get it out of your head. Only by talking out the thoughts in your head can you work things out and start making sense out of non-sense. Being honest and getting it all out was amazing for me. It’s only then where you see how you’re brain isn’t making sense.

DON’T LISTEN TO THE LIES YOUR BRAIN TELLS YOU. You may get to that incredibly low, low, low, low point. The point where you feel like your existence doesn’t matter and that the world would be a better place without you. If you do, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline IMMEDIATELY at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you don’t want to talk to them, talk to a trusted family member, friend, Church leader or support group leader. Talk to someone, please. It saved my life. It can save yours too.

KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE WANTED. To those reading this that I don’t know and are going through the pain of depression. I love you. I care about you. You matter to me. You matter to this planet. You were put on this earth for a reason. You may not understand why until much later on, but YOU MATTER and this world WOULD NOT be a better place without you. YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!

For those that have loved ones that are suffering through depression…

BE THERE FOR THEM. Be there with a non-judgmental mind and just listen.
Understand that as much as what they may say may not make sense to you, it makes even less sense to them. Gently help them through their feelings. Don’t deny them or shoot them down. Accept them and help them figure out a productive way of dealing with them.

Understand that telling someone to “just cheer up”,  “life isn’t that bad” or anything else to that effect doesn’t help in any way, shape or form. Those suffering with depression can’t just think happy thoughts and be okay for the day. You’ve got to love on them. Support them. Let them know that you love them for everything they are and are not.

Accept that depression is an illness, not a choice of living. Mental illness is another one of the things that affect the human body.  You will have a hard time wrapping your head around it. There’s no logic to it. There’s no reason to it. There’s no sense in it. And that’s just it….when you’re affected by mental illness it doesn’t (and likely will ever) make sense.

ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT others to get qualified medical help. You may have to push them to go to a therapist. You may have to push them to take medications. Do it lovingly and without authority. Tell them you care about them and it would mean a lot to you for them to do it. Tell them how important they are in your life and how much you want to help them.

If you notice them getting to a point where they’re really suffering, and they can no longer help themselves, GET HELP FOR THEM. Look up local resources. Reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline – http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. Know that your help could mean the difference between life and death.

HANG IN THERE. Supporting and loving someone suffering from depression is incredibly hard. You are doing amazing work and despite the appearances that it might not be working. IT IS WORKING & IT DOES MATTER.

For those who aren’t going through it or know someone going through it…

You can actually help battle depression by SMILING AT PEOPLE MORE & BEING MORE FRIENDLY. Be aware of those around you and how they may be feeling.

Every person you meet or encounter in your day may be going through some struggle in their life.

It may be depression. It may be alcoholism. It may be drug addiction. It may be a divorce. It may be that they’re having the day from hell.

Sometimes that smile, or telling someone to have a great day can make all the difference in the world because someone recognized them as a human being and made them feel important if even just for 10 seconds.

We’re all in this life together and only by working together and supporting each other can WE ALL make it through.

Together we can fight depression. Together we can make a difference.

God Listens. God Answers. God Loves.

As someone who is a practicing Christian, living up to God‘s word isn’t easy.

I know He doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but my personality doesn’t let me shoot for anything less than that.  Oh, I don’t hit perfect. Never will. Doesn’t stop me from trying.

To say God has blessed my life is an understatement.

I’m married to a woman, who is amazing just in the fact that she puts up with me. Then she’s amazing in so many ways on top of that.

I’ve got two wonderful children who I couldn’t be prouder of.

I’ve got a job where I have the potential to do so many amazing things with co-workers that challenge me and keep me laughing.

I live in a nice home, eat good food and have friends and family that love and care about me.

Recently we received another blessing. My wife got a new job.
It freed her from one where they didn’t appreciate her and left her feeling like crap at the end of the day.

Really what do I have to be upset about in life? Nada.
There are A LOT of things that could be wrong in my life, but they aren’t.

But like so many people, even for those that seem to have it all there are days that stress the ever-loving crap out of me. That’s especially so when it comes to finances.

There was just one small hitch with this new job…it would mean that we’d have to get our own health insurance or pay for COBRA which is incredibly expensive.

We’re trying to be responsible and tackle the debt we accrued so this expense was going to put us in a tough position, possibly leaving us without health insurance.

Saturday night as we reviewed the options and my stress level jumped, my wife was loving and supportive reminding me to lean on God. For  a split second I thought, but didn’t shout out “How the heck is God going to put that money in our bank account?!!!

Yup, I really thought that. Mr. loving Christian…totally doubting his God.

After filling out the massive online application for two medical insurance providers and a couple of drinks, I prayed.

Then over the course of the last few days it felt like all the financial weight of the world was upon me. Yesterday on a long drive to San Diego, I had a long conversation with God.

My simple prayer was “I don’t need more money. I don’t want more money. I just want to be able to take care of everything and make ends meet.”

Then immediately after I was done I got a phone call that created more financial stress. I looked up and cried up “Really? You call that help?”

Yes, I verbally questioned God. I was pissed with Him. Why after spending the time to talk with Him, could He let that happen? I started questioning, why have faith in something that didn’t seem to deliver? Why keep praying and asking for help when I felt like I kept hitting brick walls?

This is the challenge that people make, somewhat rightfully so. How could this all-powerful, awesome, loving entity allow bad things to happen?

Shortly after 9/11 I had a conversation with my boss. Him being a devout Catholic, I asked him “How could God have allowed that to happen?”. His answer was simple “Because He’s fighting the devil, and sometimes the devil wins”.

Yes God is powerful, but bad things happen, they will always happen and He doesn’t make them happen, He doesn’t allow them to happen they just happen.

Sometimes out of pain and tragedy comes something so much better. Sometimes after having your world rocked, good is shown to you and reminds you of what you have to be thankful for and reminds you that there is so much more good in this world than bad.

We saw that after 9/11. We’ve seen that after so many of the tragedies that have taken so many from us and hurt so many. We’ve seen heroes rise from the ashes. We’ve seen people be blessed in ways that they wouldn’t have, had the bad things not happened.

I’ve learned over time  and have been reminded recently by our Pastor, Rick Warren “God wants to turn your mess, into his message. God takes your test and makes it your testimony”.

This morning I said a far simpler prayer. “God, I don’t know what your plans are, or where you’re going with any of this. I don’t understand it and I can’t control it. But I guess that’s just it. I’m trying to wrestle control over something that only You can handle. So I’m going to let You take it from here and stop questioning You.”.

About 30 minutes later I got a call from my wife. Her new employer was going to let us take advantage of the health insurance immediately. It would go into effect immediately after our current insurance expires.

Problem solved. Crisis Averted. God comes through…AGAIN.

Not only had God helped us get the insurance we needed at a price we could afford, but He also showed us how even more amazing my wife’s new job and boss was. She’s working for people who care about her and our family.

Yeah, I felt like a heel having gotten so angry, and even having doubted Him.

But then I remembered that He loves me no matter what. Even though I had gotten angry at Him and thought He was a bad parent. As it is when my children do this, I still love them and He still loves me. He’s still looking out for me. He’s still making sure that my path ahead leads to something good.

The path won’t be without bumps. It won’t be without challenges. It won’t be without pain, sorrow and loss, but He’s there with me to give me strength, love, support and protection that no one else can.

With this, He’s made my mess his message, and turned a test into a testimony.

Folks, God doesn’t make sense and He never will to us here on this planet.
The great thing is that His love knows no bounds. His forgiveness is powerful. His support is like none other.

When I look at the big picture of my life I see how He’s done some pretty astounding things, and seen the person He’s transformed me into despite who I am and how I’ve talked to Him. My life has been much more amazing since I let Him in it.

One of these days I will learn to let go better. I’ll stop trying to control things I can’t. I’ll stop trying to understand Him and just trust in Him.

So why did I write all of this? Am I trying to convert people? Am I trying to thump a “virtual Bible“?

No, I wrote this for two reasons:

1. To give thanks to Him for saving my butt, yet again in the most public way possible.
2. To help others see how He’s worked in my life in the off-chance they could become interested in learning more about Him.

Even if I never achieve my second goal, I know that my first goal is accomplished and that’s what matters most to me.

“So we don’t focus on the troubles we see right now; instead we look forward to what we don’t see yet. For the troubles we see now are temporary, but the joys to come will last forever.”
2 Corinthians 4:18


Goodbye Grams, and Thanks.

Today we celebrated the life of my Grandmother Verna Mattox who passed away on April 25th.

I know it’s been awhile since I blogged and I am certainly way behind on posts, including one about my incredible wedding.

But today, today is about Grams. The following is the eulogy I delivered and a memorial video I put together for today. It’s a long one, but she was an amazing woman and deserved every bit of it.

Eulogy For My Grandmother, Verna Mattox.

Many, many years ago my grandma made me promise that when the time came that I’d speak about her at her memorial.  It was a promise I easily made, but didn’t realize the challenge that I’d have in front of me until a few weeks ago.

Without writing something as long as War and Peace, how do you summarize 96 years of life, 40 of which I was so blessed to be a part of?

Then I did, what I know what she would have done …I talked to God.

As He has so many times before, and He did throughout my Grandmother’s life He provided guidance, inspiration and support.

So today I’d like to talk about, how this one woman, who words will never be able to properly describe, changed the world through her dedication and love.

Since I was around 8, I was amazed at her work in the political field. I didn’t fully understand what she was doing but I knew that she worked with important people that I had heard about on the news.

As I got older I came to learn and more fully appreciate what she had actually done and who she had worked with

She held titles like
Republican Convention Delegate
National Platform Committee member
State Volunteer Coordinator for Ronald Reagan’s 1980 campaign
GOP Nominee for 52nd Assembly District
Campaign Manager
Electoral College Member, not once…not twice, but three times.

People like Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, Bob Dole, Ronald Reagan, and George H Bush knew, and communicated with my grandmother. Her viewpoints. Her ideas. Her friendship was of great value to them.

Add on to this, she served her community through the many local groups she was involved in. Perhaps most important to me, the Torrance Sister City Association where she took high school students to Kashiwa, Japan and eventually held a seat on their board.

It is because of this incredible and unselfish service to her country I am honored to announce that Senator Mimi Walters of District 37 will create a memorial resolution, and adjourn a California Senate session  quote “in memory of Verna as a great American, a patriot and a timeless force in California party politics who served many presidents and governors in her illustrious tenure.” end quote. It will then be documented for history in the Senate Journal and archives.

While she was proud of her service, it was ultimately her love for her family, and wanting to make sure that the world they lived in was a better place that inspired everything she did.

I am incredibly proud of all that my grandmother accomplished, but it is the love, and memories that she gave me that means the most.

Just below God, my Grandmother was one of the most influential people in my life

When my parents divorced she was there to take care of my brother Lee and I.  She was my solid rock in a sea of incredible pain and uncertainty. She was a source of love and understanding that I couldn’t have lived without.

She taught me manners and personal conduct that serves me in every social situation I’m in. As a kid you think it’s all nagging, but in the end it all makes perfect sense.

From a restaurant, to hanging out with friends, to the board room. She taught me so much that now in observing others, I’ve come to the conclusion that many could have used a Grandmother like mine, and the very manners she taught me.

Her involvement in the Sister City Association spurred me to take part as well. That led me to a journey that would change me from a boy who felt incredibly unpopular, to a young man who had a greater amount of confidence in who he was, and where he was going.

She instilled in me the desire to want to be a responsible, ethical and determined man.
As a result I have been blessed with incredible success and achievement that continues to flourish to this day.

She has also left me with some incredible memories that will forever be in my heart…

Memories of…

Calling her up and asking her if she wanted to go “mall crawling”. She’d then keep me out of the toy stores and I’d keep her out of the shoe stores. All the while yelling at me “I’m not your papoose” if I started walking too fast.

Going to Hawaii with her, and my cousin David. A trip where her nickname “Grams” was bestowed upon her and used until the very end.

Sitting on a cruise ship crossing the Pacific, enjoying pizza and beer while talking about the life she lived.

Having her present when I was baptized again, and seeing the happiness in her face that I had fully accepted the Lord, something she had been wanting for me for so long.

Perhaps the favorite memory I have is during her final time on earth where she was fully conscious, aware and chatting up a storm.

I stood there with my wife, my son and my step-daughter and we had the best conversation we had had in a couple of years. I was able to tell her about my new job, an upcoming trip to Australia and everything going on with the kids. Most importantly she was able to see her grandson happy and excited with a brand new future in front of him. I was able to give her the peace that I was alright and was going to be just fine until the day we meet again.


I will never be able to properly express my love, gratitude and deep admiration for every little thing you did for me, the family, and the country. I know you are in an incredible place up there with so many amazing people.

I hope that you’ll check in every once in awhile on me and the family. Jenny, Josh, Kaylin and I love you, miss you, and hope you’re having an incredible time up there, we all know you fully earned it.

As a final tribute to Grams, I have put together a memorial video.
When I first starting creating this I struggled with what music to use.

Again, I did what Grams would have done and I prayed to God for help.

I eventually decided on a beautiful piece of music by Michael Giachinno, appropriately titled “Moving On”. While I am sure Grams up above is so happy with everything we do here this morning, ultimately her final wish would be that we happily remember her life, the memories we made with her, and that we move on with the lives that she’s helped support, guide, and inspire.  

So with that I invite all of you to remember, celebrate and rejoice in the life of God’s gift to us, my grandmother Verna Mattox.

Happy 35th Birthday My Love!

My dearest Jenny,

Today I along with your daughter, step-son, parents, friends, family and everyone you’ve touched over the past 35 years celebrate a day that has wonderfully impacted our lives.

Over these 35 years you’ve accomplished so much and you continue to do so with each and every day.

You are an amazing mom to Kaylin, balancing love, patience, tenderness and caring discipline to help her become an incredible young lady. Being a single mom has not been easy with numerous challenges thrown at you, yet each and every one you’ve overcome while at the same time teaching Kaylin valuable lessons about life and love.


You’ve taken that same incredible skill as a parent and shared it with Josh. I know he’s learned a lot from you already and has experienced every bit of that same love you give to Kaylin.


Despite having a couple thousand miles in between you and your family you are still a supportive, caring and loving daughter, sister and aunt. You do everything for them that’s within your means and even then you’ll go above and beyond that. You may not be able to see them as often as you’d like, but they know how much you love them and how you’ll do anything within your power to be there for them each and every day.



Friends like the ones you have are not easily gained, and even harder to keep. You are always there for them with a listening ear, a loving hug, cheers of support or a wealth of reasonable advice and guidance. You love them like an extended set of family, each and every day, with every Facebook post, phone call and text message you make. To them you’re not just a friend, you’re a sister to them all with a big heart and bright smile.

And then there’s the woman you are to me….

You give so much to so many others, yet you still manage to give me so much each and every day. I get everything they all get and so much more!

You are patient and understanding with me like no one has ever been before. I can seemingly drive you nuts, yet your love for me never falters.

You have shown me love.  Pure, true, wonderful and totally unselfish love that I thought was just something that was made up in movies.

You continually inspire me and help me see how much more I am capable of accomplishing. Just when I think I haven’t got anything left, you help me find that I can do so much more and then help me do it.

You have made and continue to make me a better man in every way shape and form.

I cannot wait until the day I get to call you my wife, and look forward to getting to spend the rest of my life with you.

Jenny, you are so much to so many people and none of us will ever be able to properly show or tell you how much you truly mean to us. Had it not been for that day 35 years ago that God blessed the world with you, life just wouldn’t be the same.

Happy Birthday My Love! May God bless you (and us) with many, many, many more!

Countdown To A New Life…T- 6 Months and 3 Days

In a little over 6 months I am going to get married to an absolutely incredible woman.

ImageA woman who reminded me how incredible she was over the last couple of days and continues to show me what a mature and healthy adult relationship is like. She’s even able to put up with me, which can be no small feat sometimes. 😉

After having a really good evening with Jenny last night and feeling a little more in the creative writing mode I decided to work on my vows while on the train ride in.

I had already written a good part of them and I went through and refined it, added a little here and there and took out some of it so they don’t go on too long. While I think they’re mostly done, I imagine over the next few months I’ll continue to touch them up. In the end though my my ultimate challenge will be getting through them without tearing up.

After working on my vows and reading a Mashable article on using Pinterest to help plan a wedding, I thought why not journal some of my experiences as we get closer to my wedding day? So with that I’m going to start threading in blog posts about my journey towards the beginning of a new life.

We are for the most part pretty well done with the essential parts of the wedding planning.

The location, DJ, photographer, florist, baker, best man, man of honor and rings have been chosen and deposits made.

Her dress is sitting in a closet that I am making sure I go nowhere near and at this point pretty much everyone I know has seen it, but me (of course).

I think this is where it gets interesting though…all the little details.

We still have as yet to do our tasting and set the menu. The flowers while generally thought of aren’t totally selected. The music playlist is something we’ll actually let some of our friends and family help select…just NO CHICKEN DANCE and NO MACARENA!!!

There’s a multitude of other details and selections as well as a special project and a few surprises for our guests that have as yet to be done and I intend to share that experience here so it should be interesting.

So stay tuned…this is gonna be fun!

Happy 15th Birthday Son!


Today is my little boy’s 15th birthday!

While I’ve wished him Happy Birthday on the phone and on Facebook and we celebrated this last weekend, I had to blog about it too.

C’mon…what kind of tech Dad would I be if I didn’t blog about it?

While growing up I certainly had my dreams about being a Navy pilot or Astronaut, I also had a dream that not many young boys have. I wanted to be a Dad. Even moreso I wanted to have a son.

That dream was realized 15 years ago when Josh came into the world and was placed into my arms. I can still vividly remember every part of that day, from the way the weather was to the sounds and feelings I went through. It was and will always be one of the greatest moments of my life.

Over those 15 years we’ve had good times and we’ve had bad times. He and I have both grown in so many wonderfully different ways and we continue to grow every day. While like most teenagers he can be frustrating, the majority of the time he makes me incredibly happy and proud. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s loving, he’s caring and he has an incredible spirit that I like to think is a result of the best parts of me.

I am proud and honored to be Joshua Tellez’ dad and happy to again celebrate a dream come true.

Happy Birthday (Son/Bugaboo/Buddy/Kid)! I love you and thank you for being my son. Love, Dad.