It’s been over a year since my last blog post.
I strayed away from one of the things that feeds my soul, WRITING.
So now, I’m going to try and get back into it.
About a year ago as I pondered how I would describe my mental illness to others, I wrote something I called “Quiet Chaos”. Mental illness is unlike any other disease. You really can’t see it and there’s no way to describe it to someone. Dealing with it is not as simple as doing something fun, or changing your mindset. While you can manage it with medication, even that isn’t 100% all of the time.
In light of the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and the difficulty people have in understanding mental illness, I thought I’d share this with the world. It is my hope that it will help others understand mental illness better and give hope to those who struggle with this horrible disease every day.
By: Chris Tellez
My mind is filled with hopes.
My mind is filled with dreams.
My mind is filled with nightmares.
My mind is filled with confusion.
My mind is a battlefield of thoughts and feelings in a chaotic struggle between pain, happiness, logic and illogic.
At times the battle rages. The negative thoughts that tell me I am nothing are like cannon balls through my soul. The stress is like gun fire that startles and discomforts me.
The ground is littered with the bodies of my mistakes and regrets.
The sound of fighting on the horizon is what my mind perceives as the potential stress, anger and sadness that could be upon me any day.
Then there are the times when the battlefield goes silent, a peaceful silence where both everything and nothing exists.
That is the time where He speaks to me. That is the time where He and I connect.
The holes in my soul are gently bandaged by His words. I am no longer incomplete. My body, my soul is made whole by Him.
The sounds of the nature He created calms me. The gentle roar of the ocean reminds me how powerful He is. The breeze blows away the stress and reminds me that the bad times will pass.
The sweet sounds of the birds reminds me that if He ensures that they are taken care of, that I will be too, for I am worth so much more to Him.
The ground begins to sprout bright green grass and beautiful flowers. The bodies fade away as the sun breaks through the clouds. The warmth of the sunlight energizes me. My mistakes and past regrets no longer weigh me down or cast a shadow on me. They have been replaced with a reminder that a brighter future lays ahead. That the day and I am made new because He loves me.
He then appears next to me and says “Take my hand. Follow me”. I look to the horizon and see more darkness and nightmares. I see pain, stress and chaos.
I hesitate and pull back.
He embraces me in His arms.
He whispers “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for you to prosper. Plans to give you hope and a future”.
He then takes my hand again and says “I promise I will never let go, even if you try to pull away. I promise I will always take care of you, I will be your light in the darkness. All you have to do is follow me”.
I take a step forward.
He takes another one.
I take another one.
He puts His arm on my shoulders. He tells me “I love you”, and together we walk into the quiet chaos.